Black men going out of their way to overlook people like me after SELLING THEMSELVES as if they actually care about Black people. I am not too terribly disappointed by this, but the last dude who I gave money to and confided in him? Disgusting. There is basically no way for me to look up to older Black men because when you go out of your way to respect them they end up looking down on you and treating you as if you are nothing and a "expendable" to the Black community. No matter how many tears you cry for the Black race, no matter how much you care about your people, it will NEVER BE ENOUGH FOR THEM. I have NEVER looked on BLACK people for their sexual orientation and judged them based on it. It doesn't make sense for me to do so. And yet I continue to be dehumanized as if my "Black Life Doesn't Matter." I don't look at you Black men who rock with me in a sexual way but it feels as if you think I do and that disgusts me. I'VE BEEN TALKING TO SOMEONE FOR OVER A YEAR. I want to be in a relationship with THEM. I'm working to better my mental health and financial situation so that we can be together and not have to struggle. As an Asexual Black man, I don't like SEX like that or MASTURBATING. When I achieve orgasm it sometimes DOES NOT even feel good. I get this weird off putting sensation sometimes as if my body is rejecting the fact that I even attempted to pleasure myself. I hardly can feel sexual attraction towards other people anymore. Should I change my bio to "gay as fuck" even though that is no where close to who I am as a person as I don't even FUCKING rock with the LGBTQ community because it weirds me the fuck out. Why the FUCK are you people so obsessed with people like me not existing? Why do you hate me so FUCKING much when I haven't even done ANYTHING to ya'll? I don't want to FLIRT WITH YOU. I don't want to FUCK YOU. But me being who I am STILL garners hate. FUCKING WHY?! I AM NOT ATTRACTED TO HETEROSEXUAL MEN. I DO NOT WANT TO CONVERT HETEROSEXUAL MEN INTO A FUCKING FAGGOT! ALL I FUCKING WANT IS TO FIGHT FOR MY PEOPLE! BLACK PEOPLE!
Long story short, I'm a victim of childhood sexual abuse as well as just blatant child abuse period. However, I have never really told anyone about that. Actually, how could I when so called conscious people will abandon you before you make it that far into conversation because of how FUCKING LITTLE they care about you.
Combine that with my verbally abusive mother who went out of her way to ruin my day yesterday and I literally had to stop cleaning my room and it's a fucking mess now because I just couldn't function and think logically anymore after dealing with her. All because she thinks I disrespected her by saying "I was on the phone." She made up the idea of me disrespecting her because she needed to exert some sort of psychological power over me.
MelloMelliMel
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