Don't you dare dim your light to make other mfkers comfortable.

*going to Kim's hair appointment with her*

Hair stylist: Oh, so sweet, you came to her appointment to support her.

Me: I just came here to establish an alibi.

Kim: you just gotta be a weirdo wherever you take me.

Pro-tip:
Don't smile back. People think it's an invitation to start talking to you.

Paying the mortgage is the hardest part of life, like bitch, I just got this money